A bit over a year ago, I wasn't doing so good. I had no job, no school, no plans and I was in a relationship where both of us were unhappy. I took care of some dogs, slept the day and stayed up the night, not eating almost at all. Of course, I didn't realize it back then. I just thought that this is the life, and I'm already bored with it. I didn't know what I wanted to study or what I wanted to become.
Then, one night, it just hit me. I want to be an au pair. At first, I didn't think about it seriously. But I loved children, I loved travelling and learning from other cultures. So what would be a better plan? I found a site on Internet and signed up, still as a joke, I wasn't going to send any messages. I was sure that the next day when I would wake up I would realize how stupid this idea was. But I didn't. When I woke up, it still seemed totally reasonable.
Less than three months from that night I had found my family. I must have sent messages to more than ten families, and at least thirty families contacted me. I almost went to an Irish family, but they wanted someone older. I remember being sad, but now I'm just thankful. My French family was the best family I could have gotten. We talked a lot on Skype before my departure, and the place seemed perfect. I couldn't wait to be there already. My plan was to stay six months, from October to the end of March, but finally I ended up staying almost nine months. The best time of my life.
When I got on the plane I sent a message to the family what I was wearing, so they would find my at the Nice airport. I can still remember it, a brown leather jacket and red jeans. I had to turn off my phone and I was really nervous, what if they didn't get my message? What if they can't find me? Their home was far away from Nice, so they had left the day before and spent the night in Nice. Even though my dad was afraid that they wouldn't come to get me, I wasn't. But I was nervous.
At Nice I was astonished how small the airport was. There were only a few people, and I didn't see my new family anywhere. I checked my phone, no messages, no calls. I sat down to rearrange my belongins, thinking where would I go if they didn't come, did I have enough money to fly straight back home. And suddenly, there they were, hugging and kissing on the cheek and smiling. All the fear was gone. We took my bags and got out from the airport. I hadn't even realized how sunny and warm it was, everything was amazing.
I fell asleep on our way home. Dad of my new family told me that he was happy to see that I trusted them so that I could sleep. I wasn't afraid at all, so it was funny for me to hear that it meant so much to them. A butterfly had gotten in the car when we stopped to eat in Cannes and Loreleï tried to show it to me. That was the most scary thing on this trip, because I didn't know how to tell her I was afraid of butterflies.
For the first week the girls were on a vacation, and the parents weren't working a lot. It was still warm and beautiful and everything seemed perfect. But there were a lot of new stuff for me, of course, and it was a bit hard to keep up with everything. New language, new home, new people, new children to play with... I was happy, happier than for a long time, but I forgot that I came to work, not just live in somebody elses home. I was still in the same state of mind that I had been in Finland, and I needed to change it. Ultimately it wasn't too hard, I just needed to concentrate on the right things. Unfortunately it took me so long, that the relationship between me and the familys mom had gotten pretty bad, and it was hard for her to realize I really wanted to help, I just didn't know how. I should have been more straight with her and ask her what she wanted me to do, and at some point I did, it just took way too long. For the first two months that was my only problem, and around Christmas we finally talked it trough. It didn't magically fix everything, but life was easier after that.
It really was my only problem in France. Of course the girls would be difficult sometimes, but that's just life. And really, the girls were wonderful. They had a lot of energy and some stuff was done really differently than in Finland, but I loved them so much. I loved watching "Barbie Sirene" with Lucille and sing and watch her dance. I loved going for walks with Loreleï and taking her to the city with me. I loved watching Faustine grow up and play with her. It was great to have a real meaning for life. To be so important to someone.
When I got used to everything new, I started to explore a bit more. I started running, which was delightfully easy, maybe because of the altitude and the fact that I hadn't much else to do. I went to movies and to see different cities and castles. A lot of people asked me, if I made any new friends in France, and they all seem to pity when I tell them not really. I lived in a small village, with a lot of old people. But it wasn't a problem for me. In Finland I was depending on my friends all the time, and one reason for my departure was to see who am I, by myself. Even though I didn't really make a lot of new friends, I met many nice people. My new family was awesome and we became friends with the dad really quickly, he is really smart and kind person. I liked their friends a lot too. Everyone were really nice to me, even though I was shy and didn't speak French. I remember being really nervous when the parents told me that they are having a New Years party. I still couldn't speak a lot of French and I thought that I will end up spending the day in a corner by myself. But then Remi, that I had met already at Halloween asked if I wanted to join him, his girlfriend and Max, that I had also seen on Halloween and his girlfriend. I had a wonderful night, talking about the differences of Finland and France and learning all kinds of funny expressions in French.
It's great to look back to that time and laugh at how I could be so nervous. I'm not saying that I would be the most social person at every party, but the great thing is, that I'm not nervous about everything anymore. Sometimes I have nothing to say, but it's okay. This is the kind of change I was hoping to achieve while in France. It's hard to see the changes in myself, but I know I grew up a lot. I don't think I was very childish anymore when I left for France, but I grew a lot of confidence. I grew out of my childish way of trying to avoid things that I don't know how to do. I still have a lot to learn and grow, and I know that I won't do it as fast as I did in France.
Learning French was at first a big challenge. I soon realized, that even though I didn't see it as a problem when I was alone with the girls, the parents wanted me to learn more and fast. They bought me lessons on Internet and I went to school with girls. I remember having an anxiouty attack, when Sebastien asked me to translate a sentence he wrote. I can't remember the sentence, just that it was something about sheep. I didn't remember the word sheep, and I panicked so bad that I ran out of the house, in to the rain. Now this memory makes me smile, I hope I have grown out of this kind of stuff too. Fear of failing was controlling my life at that time. Everything was so hard, because I only saw a possibility for failure in everything I did.
I wrote a notebook full of notes from my own books and from the books of Loreleï and did excercises, but in fact I started to learn when I started to speak. It was scary, and I think that for a week I only spoke sentences with maybe three words in them, but when I started to learn, it was amazing. I learned so fast that I didn't even notice it, suddenly I was speaking like any other language I already knew. I was still stressed of course, in that environment where everybody else spoke perfeclty, I couldn't fully enjoy my development, because I could still hear my own mistakes all the time.
My stay in France was kind of a break from real life for me. I didn't have to think about what I want to be and achieve something all the time, I could just concentrate in developping myself and taking care of the girls. It was really therapeutic for me, and I think I really needed it. But now I've started to question it, can I really think about is as a break? In fact, I think it was the first time I really lived. I lived for myself, without any stupid expectations. I try to keep on doing that, but with familiar environment, it's a lot harder. I'm back to the waiting, when "someday everything will be different". Why not make it different now?
I miss my girls. Connecting with someone like I connected with them was simply amazing. One of the first words Faustine learned was "tuiki", from a Finnish children song I sang to her. I spent countless hours alone with Faustine, because she didn't go to school, and I loved that time. I could forget everything else and just be with her, playing and learning. I loved to be alone with each girl. To see who they are as individuals. Lucille was really artistic, she loved painting and all kinds of stuff like that. It was great to have the peace to do those things with her and to see her express herself, without trying to be like her big sister. Loreleï was more active, and unbelievably smart. She loved playing with dolls and going out for walks. She was very determined and knew what she wanted. Our relationship was at first a bit difficult, since I didn't speak good French she felt superior to me and taking orders from me was something she hated. But when we bonded it was a really a great relationship, with honestly mutual respect. I have siblings of my own, but it was great to see "from outside" what kind of relationship they shared. The love that rolls over of all the hate, when a little sister takes ones toy or destroys a painting. They would be so angry, and at the next moment playing together. It made me realize how fortunate I am to have a big brother and a little sister.
I can be nothing but grateful to the Virot family for giving me this opportunity and experience. Without them, I don't know who I would be today. They took care of me, a total stranger, like a family member. I don't have the words to express my gratitude to them. I am a better person, all thanks to them. I got to see France from end to end, stuff that I will never have an opportunity to experience again. We went to so many wonderful places, did awesome things, and I got to feel like home, so far away from Finland, my family and my friends. I got to be myself and feel accepted. Thank you Sebastien, Celine, Loreleï, Lucille and Faustine. Thank you also Dominique and Nicole and everyone else who made me feel welcome to France. I will never forget it.
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